He was assigned a grave...

"...with the wicked, and with the rich in his death, though he had done no violence, nor was any deceit in his mouth."

Sometimes it's when we're weakest, when we fail the most, when tears are far more fitting than smiles, and rain is greater than sunshine that God becomes most evident. It's when I'm at my worst that God's grace seems so much stronger and his kindness surpasses the few words held in my vocabulary.

It's when my heart breaks for my own selfish hypocrisy and pride, for my failure to love other people that my Father comes to me and...he. still. loves. me. ... me.

Why? I've spent days and nights in sorrowful solitude wondering that. Why should this girl so full of greed and hatred stand in the name of a perfect man and be called righteous? What right do I have to accept grace that I can never repay?

When my helpless state glares at me, I cannot help but tremble at the thought of mercy, of forgiveness... of love. I recoil at the thought of my stupidity and imperfection... but even through all this, my heavenly Father still offers me grace through the death of his own son.

Dear God, why? Why love? Why grace? Why forgiveness? Why mercy? Let me endure forever with unquenchable thirst, incomparable anguish, unremitting evil... it's what I deserve.

But no. I am loved by God and so I am offered hope.

I try to understand. I can't. No one can fully understand and grasp the expanse of God's love. I my not know why, but I'm thankful. How can I say thank you? All I have is so menial. I give my life, for it's the most I have, but even that wanes in comparison.

It's times like this one when I cannot help but fall to my knees with tears streaming down my face crying "Abba." Speechless again I fall in the presence of God's love.

"Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.

But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed." ~Isaiah 53:4-5